Tina & the worst best pick up line

Back in the hazy days of my mid twenties, where life seemed like a perpetual summer break, filled with pubs, friends, balmy nights, lazy days and of course, boys, boys, boys, its fair to say I’d heard and used my fair share of pick up lines.

Among the most memorable touted by me: “My friend told me to tell you that I think you’re cute” (think about it) and “You’re so good looking you could be on Party of Five.”  Feel free to use those, people, only update to a TV series that hasn’t been off air for over 10 years.

Back to my thirties…. it was the silly season, just a few weeks before Christmas, when I found myself out on a Friday night at a classy establishment in the city, Shadow Lounge, which does $6 cocktails over happy hour.

Now, its pretty well accepted that I am a ‘two pot screamer’.*  Thus with 3 Mojitos under my belt, and no food for some hours, I was marvin, and found myself drawn to the ‘magic’ fountain.  Mmm, picture this, you’re drunk and you see bubbling layers of warm melted chocolate, cascading down two tiers into a swirling pool as brown as the Brisbane River.  Skewers are provided with which hungry patrons can stab marshmellows and strawberries before drizzling them with chocolatey goodness.

In a not very lady like fashion, I stood at the fountain, cramming chocolate covered delights into my mouth, but managed to stop short of scooping it Augustus Gloop style.  Shortly after my feast began (let’s say 5 minutes for the sake of me sounding less piggy) a young man approached and began skewering strawberries- sans chocolate.

Even when sober, I’ll pretty much talk to anyone, but in the state I was in, making a dining recommendation  slipped out with no effort.

“Let your hair down” I said “ Have some chocolate with that strawberry.”  He looked at me and replied “I’m watching my weight”  and we both laughed because he was clearly two missed meals away from being a scarecrow.

“But seriously,” he said “I’ve got a tapeworm.  I can eat anything and never put on weight.”

Aaah, the innocence of youth.  You see, I’d heard that before, and thus felt it my duty to tell him about once rake like young man, let’s call him P. Borella.  No, wait, that is too obvious, I’ll call him Pauly B.

Pauly B once lived under the ‘I can eat anything’ illusion.  His regular diet included around a kilo block of cheese a week, sausage rolls for breakfast, and midnight Macca’s- until one day- behold! He was just two good meals away from joining the Fat Boy’s Motorcycle Club.

But I digress.  Having heard the word ‘tapeworm’ a story came immediately to mind, and the chocolate having by no means soaked up the alcohol, failed to provide the appropriate inhibitors to prevent me from telling the following tale.  Note, this is not for the weak stomached, or anyone who is eating while reading this, but Tom, you’re good.

This one time, at Summer Camp in the USA, I was grooming the hind end of my favourite horse, Jasper, a fiery redhead with good teeth and … as I lifted his tail, a tapeworm poked its head right out of Jasper’s poopa, a good inch or more, and had a good peer round at the outside world!

I know- GROSS, right?!  Any normal man would have run a mile, but not this one.  He thought it (or I) was hilarious, and insisted on buying me a drink.  I resisted, because although happy to chat to anyone, there are rules- an important one being ‘Half your age plus 7’ and he definitely wasn’t.

Anyway, he insisted, and we had a shot of (would you believe) tequila.  I suggested that he come back and meet my youngest sister, T- Giggle, who was also out, as she was much closer to his age.

He was adamant, however, that he liked me- but this got a little embarrassing when it turned out he already knew my sister, from (recently completed) school days.  I sat him down, and told him how old I actually was. He didn’t believe me, so I got out my drivers licence, and proved it.  “Holy Shit”  he said, “I had a teacher this age once, and she looked like my mum.”

He then proceeded to insist that he wanted nothing else from the night, but for me to agree to go out for lunch with him, when we were sober.  He did look like a young Jake Gyllenhall, and was surprisingly mature for his age, so against my better sober judgement, I gave him my number. We ended up hanging out for the rest of the night, and it was lots of fun.

There are good reasons for me not to drink too much.  For instance, I met his friends, who were all calling me ‘The Tapeworm Girl.’  I gave one of them a graphic description about how to coax out your own tapeworm (please contact me if you need this scientifically proven medical advice).

Anyways, the following evening, I received a text message, saying “Hey there Tina Sparkles, How’d your night end up? Home safely, I trust? I had a fun night with you, you’re incredibly interesting (Oh, that’s true!)….what are you up to for the rest of the weekend?

Followed shortly by

And it’s Chris just thought I’d clear that up in case you were going round using your tapeworm pick up lines on other guys.”

We never did never did hook(worm) up again, but I think we can all learn something from this my friends.

Worm your pets regularly, and wash your hand before eating at a chocolate fountain.  When using parasite related pick up lines, please proceed with caution.   It’s not every woman in her thirties that can pull this off.

Up next…. The Valentine’s Day Avengers….  But in the meantime-

Please, share with me on the comments page, your best or worst ever pick up lines…  Best line wins a prize.

Cheers, Tina

*Two-pot screamer(Australian) (colloquial) A person who becomes intoxicated or rowdy after drinking just a relatively small amount of alcohol. (reference Wikionary)

About The Tina Sparkles Experience

Apparently, there are people who go traveling and just see things and nothing weird happens. I'm not one of those people....come on holiday with me and find out why!

3 Responses to “Tina & the worst best pick up line”

  1. Love it Tina. You’re hilarious! Oh, and I can’t wait to see what my prize is… Mikey to stranger: “From the moment I saw you, I knew you’d be attracted to me!” x

  2. Stranger to Busty “My name’s Ron Jeremy. Do you know who that is?” Busty. “Yes” (I didnt, thought Ron Jeremy was a football star or something)

    Ron Jeremy “Allll riiiight ;)”

  3. I don’t think putting an extra 20kg on in my early 30’s can be classed as two good meals away from joining Fat Boy’s Motorcycle Club. I think that made me president! I’ll blame my ex who just happened to be a “feeder”.. You know who you are…

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