The Valentine’s Day Avengers

A few years back (quite a few, to be inexact) on Valentine’s day one of my besties (let’s call her Moonlight Dancer)  and I were taking stock of the last 6 months or so of our dating lives. We thought about those boys who’d wooed, won, and then discarded us, or who said “I’ll call you“- but never did.

Both single at the time, we decided 14 February should be less about romance, and more about revenge.

Determined to be a force against dating bullshit (or just bored and needing a creative outlet) we spent the day putting some real effort into some very special valentines.  No expense was spared as we cut heart shaped pink cardboard, and crafted pretty words.

First stop– delivered by a classic ‘knock and run’- a carefully drafted poem to Moonlight’s on-again/ off-again squeeze, which only the stoopidist of men would think came from someone else. (Did he work it out?  Well, I’m not sure, but they have 2 kids now).

Stop two.  For a sparky, who turned out to be a jerk with a girlfriend (although I do credit him with teaching me about washing rice) a sign, on bright red cardboard placed under his work van windscreen wipers, and reading:

Roses are blue, Violets are red

I’m crap with colours, But wicked in bed

Sorry you missed out, two timer.


Stop three. A fellow who just couldn’t make up his mind

They say you are a flower
This point I must dispute
To me you are like Ginseng-
Just another lousy root

Until- the ultimate in valentine avenging- the downfall of Party of Five boy.  To faithful followers of the Tina Sparkles Experience- its true, that pick up line really did work.*  At Toowong’s iconic Royal Exchange hotel, Zac (his actual name), impressed by my sassy and extremely flattering pick up line, took my number, and asked me out for lunch.

Later, I was to discover that he was actually in love with his half-sister (yeah, awkward) and I was unwittingly part of a bizarre and dangerous double game to make her jealous. Well, ok, maybe not dangerous.  Or that bizarre.  But God forbid I fancy any of my half siblings.  Except for you T-Giggle.

Anyhoo, having access to my dad’s classic MG (read: sounds really cool, BUT had no air con and was ALWAYS breaking down) I’d offered to pick him up.  Alright, so I was was trying to appear much cooler than I actually was. Am.

Now, while this specific date makes two entries to my next blog (Tina’s Top 10 Tips- what NOT to do on a first date) we did sit over lunch for about 3 hours (maybe he was just too embarrassed to end it?)  Perhaps, not unlike Mr Athletic, I’d thought things had gone quite well, (if you overlook a couple of food related faux pas).  I dropped him home (the car didn’t break down) and as he got out of the car, said “I’ll call you.

He didn’t.

I’m pretty sure that in my memory, at least, I didn’t degrade myself enough to call him, (yeah right) and despite regular attendance at the RE that summer, I never bumped into Zac again.  So, come  (Valentine) Avengers Day, Party of Five boy, who never did me any substantial injury, except that I really fancied him, was on the hit list.

Now at that time, I worked at the Qld Uni of Technology bookshop.  The shop had metre square fluro signs that said:




I ‘borrowed’ one of these signs, and changed the letters to read:





and for good measure added the “ginseng’ poem on the back.

Sign in hand, we searched in vain for Zac’s place.  I’d only been there that one day, 3 months before, and I didn’t know Paddington too well, and as Tom will tell you, my sense of direction is located up my bee hive.   At last, after looking for 45 minutes and as the sun began to set, we’d just decided call it a day, when we received a St Valentine miracle- I spotted the street!!

What vengeful delight!  We cruised the street,  found the house, parked a stupidly long way from it, then like giggling ninjas, made our way stealthily to his letter box (with our curiously large sign) and hung up the valentine.

Aaaah sweet, highly unnecessary, revenge.

The only downside of secret avenging is…you don’t get to live the glory of what happened next.

Unless… happen to run into the victim.

About a month later, Moonlight and I were at Uni of Queensland’s ‘O’ week toga party at the RE.  (Incidentally, our togas were made out of a grey and a brown leopard print material. Someone queried whether we had meant to dress like a packet of Libra Fleur tampons).  And there, standing by the bottom bar, was Party of Five boy, re-splendid in sunflower covered flannelette sheet.

Moonlight went over, and said “Hello Party of Five boy-my friend told me to ask you if you had a happy Valentine’s Day?”  He looked around, saw me, cried out in delight, because he’d lost my number, and was desperate to see me again!  Can you believe it?!!

Well, you shouldn’t, cos that’s a lie.  But he was excited, because he’d spent the last month trying to work out who the hell was responsible for the sign.  Never suspected me for a second, because he’d barely given me a second thought.

So on the night he got his (unnecessary) comeuppance, it turned out his housemates saw the sign, loved it, and left it there.  He’d come home late, not seen it at all (I guess we should have gone bigger) and there it stayed till about 2pm the next day, for all their visitors, and the girl he’d brought home, to see.

Here’s what’s funny.  He was so impressed with my handy work, that we ended up dating for two years.  Can you believe it? Nope, don’t, that’s another lie, but I did date a friend of his I met that night, thus how I found out the whole sordid half sister affair.

There’s an important lesson to be learnt in all of this.  If you wear a flowery toga to a toga party, you’ll gather no moss on your frying pans, if you know what I mean.  Well, you wont, unless you are  Pauly B, or perhaps Mikey in Brazil.

Standby.  Important dating advice to follow.

With much love, especially to all you singles, and happy avenging,

Tina (not the incontinence pad) Sparkles

*See Tina and the worst best pick up line

About The Tina Sparkles Experience

Apparently, there are people who go traveling and just see things and nothing weird happens. I'm not one of those people....come on holiday with me and find out why!

One Response to “The Valentine’s Day Avengers”

  1. Hey there Miss Sparkles….
    What a fantastic wine tour of the Hunter Valley!! You were just the absolute best “tour guide”, really making up for our driver, “Kathy’s” personality and humour (or lack thereof!!). Was just awesome to meet you girls – made a great day even better! Hope you’re head was in a good place the next day! xxxx ps Hey, did you make it to 1am as planned??!! xx

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